


How do you really feel?

by satyrgod



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: theres a lot that happens here just read the warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8241965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satyrgod/pseuds/satyrgod
Summary: Kaoru's mother was never present in his life. It's pretty unfair that the first news he hears about her is that she's dead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO HERES MY WARNINGS
> 
> -death death death death immediate family death  
> -absentee parents
> 
> i love kaoru and his older sisters relationship so much THEY REALLY LOVE EACHOTHER AND IT MAKES ME DIE

Kaoru had never met his mother.

He’d heard about her. He’d heard a lot about her, and the things he heard made him _glad_ he’d never met her.

That kind of woman… It’s a relief, honestly, he doesn’t need that kind of stress on his already messed up family life.

He doesn’t know how to react when the first piece of news he hears about his mother, in all his 18 years, was that she had _died._

He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t happy, but he couldn’t say he was upset.

But, even if he wasn’t upset, he couldn’t stop _thinking_ about it.

He played everything off. His friends didn’t even know anything had happened, and he didn’t think he wanted them to. He went on dates as usual, but every time his mind lingered on his dead mother.

It was _starting_ to bother him, just the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted it to drop, he hated this, he hated _her,_ he just wanted to be free from all of this.

The last straw was when his dad told him about the funeral.

“Just think about it,” he said. “You don’t have to go, but please just think about it.”

...He would rather have just been forced to go. The stress of making a choice was killing him. He knew his dad only wanted him to go so he could support him and his older sister, who had ended up coming home for the mentioned funeral.

He really, _really_ does not want to go to the funeral of the woman who _abandoned_ him, and have to see all the new people in her life who she deigned worthy to live with. Of course, she was probably a terrible mother to his apparent slew of half-siblings, but that only makes things even more awkward.

How is he supposed to talk to these kids whose mom just died?

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t handle this on his own anymore.

He did the only thing he could think of.

He called Rei.

It was late, it was around 3 AM at this point, but he knew the older boy would be awake. He always was.

“Kaoru-kun..? Tell me, what’s a young fellow like you doing up at an hour like this..? You don’t plan on skipping school tomorrow, do you?”

Kaoru’s breath hitched, and he debated trying to leave this conversation already. He _hated_ feeling this weak, but he knew he needed this, so he kept going.

“I… I need help,” he said, voice small, and there was a pause on the other line, and he knew Rei was probably shocked. Kaoru never went to anyone with his problems.

“...Go on, then,” Rei said, and Kaoru launched it all onto him, about his mother’s death, and how his father wants him to go to the funeral, and how he has _no idea_ what he’s supposed to do.

Rei was quiet for a little while, assessing the situation, and Kaoru tries to ignore how much he’s trembling and how hard his heart is beating.

Rei’s gonna be looking at him with pity tomorrow and he hates it.

“...How do _you_ feel on all this, Kaoru-kun? You’ve told me how your sister and father feel. What about you?”

“I don’t care!” he responds, quickly, harshly, and Rei continues in a soft tone.

“How do you _really_ feel about this?”

Kaoru didn’t know how to respond to this, because he _just_ told Rei how he felt and, honestly, it’s kind of annoying that he’s asking him again.

But he thinks about it, letting the silence hang on the call.

“I’m pissed,” he says, finally coming to this realization himself, “I’m actually really pissed!”

His tone becomes more animated as he thinks about it, jumping up from his chair to pace around his room, talking to Rei so fast it’ll be a wonder if the other boy can even understand him.

“It’s like, I never get to know her, she leaves me behind, and then she just, she just _dies?_ And I find out, she left me with all these little siblings I have to deal with? And, jesus christ, do you know how she died? _She overdosed!_ ” He takes in a shaky breath here, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, seriously, can you get any scummier? Why did I come from _that?_ ”

Breathing heavily, he realizes he basically just had a breakdown in front of his unit leader, and the regret is _immediate._ He almost just hangs up, planning to pretend like he never said any of this, but then Rei speaks again.

“Kaoru-kun… I don’t think you should be forcing yourself to go to this funeral if you feel like this.”

Kaoru throws himself on his bed, trying to keep in the tears that have gathered in his eyes.

“Well, it’s not only me who’s feeling like this, y’know? I mean, there’s my dad, and… My sister, most importantly. She came home just for this, and..” He trails off here, but the unspoken “I feel guilty.” reached Rei without a doubt.

“Have you talked to her about this?”

Kaoru didn’t respond, because he hadn’t, and that’s such a simple solution he can’t believe he didn’t think of it first.

“You should talk to her, Kaoru-kun,” Rei says, and Kaoru hates that the other boy knew him so well he could just _tell_ he hadn’t said anything to her.

“Alright,” he sighed, getting up to sit on the edge of his bed. “Thanks, by the way.” Rei just hums, and after making Kaoru made him promise never to bring up this conversation again, he hung up.

Taking a deep breath, he got up and started making his way to his sister’s room. He can do this! His sister is always, always so good to him… And if he ends up having to go, to support her… he thinks it’s worth it.

He knocked on her door, tentatively, knowing she was awake by the light shining from under her door. There was no response for a few minutes, before she told him to come in, and he can tell just from her voice she’d been crying.

“Um, nee-chan...” he started, closing the door behind him. He couldn’t even look at her, guilt overwhelming him. “I wanted to talk to you about the funeral…” His voice dropped low, last half of his sentence barely even audible.

His sister just smiled at him.

“You don’t want to go, do you, Kaoru-chan?”

Kaoru was floored. He didn’t expect to be read that easily, but from his older sister… He should have expected it. Dumbly, he nods, and she moves over on her bed, telling him to come sit with her.

As soon as he does, she pulled him into a hug.

“It’s ok, Kaoru-chan,” and as soon as she said this, Kaoru couldn’t help but start crying. It was a relief, but he still felt _terrible._ She shouldn’t be having to deal with him right now, on top of everything else.

“Hey, hey, it’s really ok, you know…” She said softly, rubbing circles into his back. “You didn’t know her like I did. She raised me, Kaoru-chan, even if she’s not the best, I…” His sister had started crying too, at this point.

“I really can’t help but love her.”

He hugged her too, and they both cried on each other, until they both got too exhausted to keep going, realizing the sun would probably start coming up soon.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go?” Kaoru asked, voice hoarse.

“Yeah. You don’t have to worry about me, Kaoru-chan,” she smiled at him, wiping away her tears. “It’s not like I’m alone, you know? But… please be home after the funeral. I’ll probably want you around, ok?”

“I can do that much,” he said, getting up from her bed to return to his own room. “...Thank you, nee-chan. I really don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes, you know?”

“You don’t have to thank me, you’re my little brother. Of course I’m gonna take care of you.”

He bit back the knee-jerk reaction to thank her again, and just smiled at her, telling her good night.

Closing the door behind him, he started walking down the hall, feeling a great weight lifted off his shoulders.

Everything was gonna be fine. Everything was gonna be ok.

Finally, he felt like he could rest easy.


End file.
